Monday, October 20, 2014

Used Czar Salesman

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Last Friday, White House spokesweasel Josh Earnest announced Barack Obama's appointment of a new Ebola czar, explaining "what we were looking for is NOT an Ebola expert, but rather an implementation expert - and that's exactly what Ron Klain is."

Because, you know, the White House has done such a bang up job using non-expert "implementers" to do things like design the website, keep an eye on "Fast & Furious" guns, clean up IRS abuses, run VA hospitals, provide security in Benghazi, and - oh yeah - being president of the freaking United States.

Of course, there are those who believe that Klain doesn't actually need any medical knowledge as long as he's a tippy-top management kind of guy who knows how to work with large, ungainly, purely partisan bureaucracies and break the knee caps of political enemies. And in the words of Josh Earnest, "that's exactly what Ron Klain is!" 

And as a bonus, Klain can help formulate well-reasoned, calming messages for the public, much as he did when working as chief of staff for vice presidents Al "The World is Coming To An End!" Gore and Joe "If You Hear a Sound, Run Outside and Blast Your Shotgun in the Air!" Biden.

Klain also has experience handling large, complex, financial operations - such as when he ran point for the Obama administration's "$500 million down a rat hole" investment in Solyndra.

Still, there is at least a modicum of good news for those who believe that putting a political hit man in charge of our nation's Ebola response isn't a great idea: so far, he's already skipped two emergency meetings on the viral crisis - so at least he hasn't done any real harm. Yet.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Keep Your Pucker Up

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Following the latest round of news about his administration's stupendously inept handling of the Ebola crisis (including the CDC's recommendation to a feverish Ebola patient to fly on a commercial aircraft), Barack Obama actually cancelled a fundraising event on Wednesday, then ice-skated across Hell to hold a press event to reassure the increasingly worried American public.

"I hugged and kissed a couple of the nurses at Emory hospital because of the valiant work they did in treating one of the patients," Obama said, "and I felt perfectly safe doing so."

Following CDC protocol about exposure to possibly contagious individuals, those nurses will now be closely monitored for 21 days to see if they start golfing, blame their mistakes on others, show unusual sensitivity to Fox News, or scratch their crotches during the national anthem.

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"Bodily Fluids" haven't been in the news this much since the heyday of president BJ Clinton and his faithful humidor, Monica Lewinsky.  Which is why this seems like a good time to remind the current occupant of the Oval Office of the potentially disastrous consequences of not taking common sense precautions, no matter how hard they are to swallow. 

So to speak.


Politics has gone to the dogs - but in a good way! "Mac & Wally" are two funny, conservative dogs appearing in their very own comic strip which you can find on Facebook, Twitter, Ricochet, and probably some other social media services which we're too old to understand.

Hope n' Change has nothing to do with this strip other than really liking it. Click on the link and "like" or "friend" or "follow" or "poke" or whatever to get on the "Mac & Wally" bandwagon!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Another Round of Shots

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As Vince Lombardi or perhaps Yogi Berra once said: "The best offense is a really offensive defense." Which is perhaps why a defensive Dr. Francis Collins, head of the National Institutes of Health, has come out saying that the reason his agency hasn't developed an Ebola vaccine is because of draconian budget cuts over the past 10 years.

The problem is, the NIH really hasn't had their budget slashed (in fact, for 2015 the Republicans gave the agency more money than Obama requested) and, quite demonstrably, they've felt so little belt-tightening in recent years that they've been perfectly happy to spend huge sums of money on medical projects of highly questionable value.

Among the things your tax dollars have paid to find out while the impoverished Ebola vaccine team was forced to eat ramen noodles and go without clean underwear:

• Male fruit flies would rather have sex with hot young female fruit flies rather than wrinkly older female fruit flies who are starting to look like Hillary Clinton. ($939,000)

• Chimps with the best feces-flinging abilities are also the best communicators, clearly establishing a Darwinian link to politicians. ($592,000)

• Cocaine can be used to make Japanese quail hornier. Which presumably cuts down on the amount of time they need for small talk and foreplay. ($181,000)

• Golfers can putt better if they just imagine the hole is bigger. Presumably female golfers can benefit from the same visualization technique when giving birth. ($1.1 million)

• Uncircumsized South African men who scrub their tallywhackers following sex may have a reduced chance of developing various kinds of godawful African crotch crud. ($832,000)

Still inconclusive is an expensive NIH study on why lesbians have a tendency to be overweight. We would suggest it's because they eat out too often, but the NIH grant we requested for a drummer to play therapeutic rimshots fell through.

All in all, Hope n' Change thinks that the NIH should stop trying to combine medicine with politics, stop suggesting that the solution to every medical issue is "give us more money," and - most importantly - quit pouring money into research projects that made them giggle when high on "medicinal" marijuana.

ADDENDUM: A second healthcare worker in Dallas has now tested positive for Ebola, raising serious questions about the efficacy of CDC protocols. The head of the CDC, however, maintains that the protocols are fine and human error is to blame. In fact, he's so confident of this that he told Megyn Kelly that he could safely treat an Ebola patient with no head/face protection, no footwear protection, and only one pair of gloves.

And that's exactly what Hope n' Change thinks he should do: fly to Dallas immediately and help restore calm and confidence to healthcare workers by demonstrating proper protocol technique while he treats the newest patients.

Hey, even if he's wrong about it being safe, he'd at least be providing the healthcare team with an additional patient to practice on in about two weeks...