Monday, April 27, 2015

Post Parting Depression

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As miracle workers go, Hope n' Change is forced to tip our hat to Barack Obama for reinventing a couple of classics previously performed only by Moses and Jesus.

The parting of the Rio Grande is the most obvious. Millions of illegal immigrants are now able to flood into our country with Obama holding back the churning threat of red tape, using nothing but his God-like Executive Order powers - and a promise to make life a living hell for any border agent who tries to enforce our actual immigration laws.

But that's only his warm-up miracle. Obama then goes the "loaves and fishes" route to magically multiply the number of actual immigrants! 

Here's how it works: under the guise of "prioritizing deportation," Obama has unilaterally declared that millions of illegals won't be deported. Half a million have already been given social security numbers and work permits, and there are reports that nine million more will be getting them soon. And that's a lot of folks, right? Wrong...

Because once Obama has given an illegal immigrant that paperwork, they can legally bring in their spouse and any children under 21. And if any of those children also have children of their own, they can all come too! And if those young parents happen to be married, they can also bring their spouses and the parents of their spouse!

Of course, hauling that many people to Los Estados Unidos is a dauntingly expensive and exhausting challenge for these impoverished folks - which is why you get to pay for it. That's right, your tax dollars will fly all of those folks into the heartland and provide "resettlement assistance" to make life a little easier until they start receiving the full taxpayer benefits which they are suddenly - indeed, miraculously - eligible for.

Speaking of miracles, it would be a whopper if dumping this much unskilled labor into the marketplace didn't drive down wages and put additional pressure on our nation's poor and middle class. But then, that's what Obama's policy is intended to do. After all, the worse things get for the poor and middle class, the greater will be the calls to "topple the 1%" (or 10%, or 25%), redistribute their ill-gotten money, and (just for fun!) defile the corpses of the evil rich and/or the annoyingly solvent.

But wait, there's more! Remember when Obama promised a "fundamental change" to our nation? It's already happened - and is probably unstoppable. As much of 80% of our population growth is now directly attributable to immigrants, legal and (especially) illegal. The demographic shift is irrevocably changing our economy, our culture, and what used to be our future.

Let us be clear: illegal immigrants aren't necessarily bad people (outside of being law-breaking criminals) and they're dragging their huge, extended families to the United States in hopes of finding opportunity. Those opportunities - and our nation's redistributable wealth - are finite and already spread too thin. But ironically, because our compassion is almost infinite, we'll keep trying to make this overburdened system work until it destroys us.

Whether you're religious or not, you've got to admit that for one nefarious man to pull that off is a miracle.

BONUS: EXTRA SAUSAGE

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Just because Obama has made his America-destroying "Dreams From My Father" come true is no reason we can't all still enjoy a good laugh! Or at least, that was the theory at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner which was held on Saturday.

Barry did indeed tell the alleged joke in the first panel, despite the fact that there are no documented examples of any pizzerias in Indiana that won't serve gay clientele. There may, however, be pizzerias that wouldn't serve Obama and Biden for other reasons - and if we can find them, we plan to send $100 to their Kickstarter campaigns.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Mirth Day

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Some time ago, Hope n' Change announced our intention to initiate "Good News Fridays" in which we would report only the positive, uplifting stories in the news. This didn't really catch on, though, because it's easier (and more pleasant) to pan for gold in a cesspool than it is to find good news lately.

But undaunted, we're taking another shot at it. Mostly because we're absolutely sure at this point that there is no gold in our cesspool - it all turned out to be undigested corn. And so, with hip-waders pulled high, let's wade into the good news...

• Starbucks has announced plans to open a location in Ferguson, Missouri. After critics lambasted the coffee franchise's "Race Together" initiative and pointed out that Starbucks locations are highest where people are whitest, the company's CEO has announced that there will soon be a store in 70%-black Ferguson. In furtherance of promoting racial dialogue, the baristas will be encouraged to explain to the patrons why a "damn cup of coffee" is unaffordable.

• Showing that some agencies can actually show fiscal responsibility in Washington, the IRS is receiving Congressional attention for their thrifty decision to gut their customer service budget. Sure, it meant that the previously horrible customer service actually descended into being "abysmal," according to the head of the IRS - but with the cash saved, the agency was able to give generous bonuses to employees who showed special skill and initiative in mission-critical tasks like destroying hard drives.

• Excitement is building about the upcoming human head transplant surgery which, if successful, will finally realize mankind's oldest dream: being able to graft your head onto the body of someone who lived a healthy lifestyle and did all the working out that you couldn't be bothered with. The donor body for the experimental surgery has not yet been selected, but Joe Biden is said to be leading in the early write-in votes.

• Hillary Clinton, who is running for president on a platform of ending mean-spiritedness in our lifetime, has issued a clarification about her previously reported statement that she wants to "topple the one-percenters." Actually, it turns out that the eternally fundraising (and frequently blitzed) Mrs. Clinton said she wants to tipple with the one-percenters. Bottoms up, Hil!

• Proving that substantive, hard-hitting journalism is still alive, tonight ABC will air a two-hour interview between Diane Sawyer and Bruce Jenner, in which the former Olympian will finally get some things off his chest. Well, not his chest exactly, but trust us - things are coming off somewhere. Among the questions the nation wants answered: following surgery, will the one-time pole vaulter be keeping the leftovers in a "pole" vault?

And there you have it - every iota of good news we could come up with. And frankly, it all still looks like undigested corn.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Simper Fem

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In an increasingly dangerous world, it is critically important that the United States Marines remain the roughest, toughest asskickers on Earth. Unfortunately, what's even more important - at least in the eyes of the Obama administration - is to make sure that women can qualify for Marine infantry officer positions.

Currently, there's nothing stopping women from getting those positions except for one niggling detail: they can't do the job. Specifically, out of a group of 29 female Marines who recently went through the Marine Infantry Officer Course, a grand total of none, nada, zip, zilch, zero passed. In fact only four of the women even made it through the first day's combat endurance test - which is pretty discouraging when one considers that some wars take even more than a day to fight.

But as the old saying goes, "When the going gets tough, make it less tough for the girls." Or at least that's the old saying which seems to be guiding Army General Martin Dempsey, the nation's top military officer, who has said that if women can't meet the physical requirements for combat, it's up to the military commanders to either prove those requirements are really and truly necessary or lower the standards.

Put another way, those damn sexist Marines will have to prove that their long-established standards of physical excellence and endurance are actually more than simple misogyny. After all, who's to say that it's better to be able to carry a wounded comrade to safety rather than just having a good cry?

The administration's goal is to eventually have a military which is completely "gender neutral," much like the new bathroom in the White House. Failing that, they'll apparently settle for a military which is gender neutered.

The few. The proud. The confusing.