Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Cruz Control

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Texas Senator and Conservative firebrand Ted Cruz threw his hat into the Presidential ring on Monday, immediately touching off arguments on the Left about whether his hat is made from beaver fur and has large, comical ear-flaps attached.

The reason Democrats are raising the question is that Cruz was born in Canada, the child of an American mother and Cuban father, and therefore - in their opinion - may be less of an American citizen than Barack Obama. A man who needed half a decade and a recent version of Photoshop to finally come up with a semi-plausible birth certificate.

Only kidding, of course! After the governor of Hawaii (a close friend of Obama) declared that the president's birth certificate would never be found, a low-level functionary magically did find and authenticate the birth certificate, copied it for the president, then locked the original away again without letting anyone else see it - shortly before she became the only fatality in a plane crash.

Life can be funny like that sometimes. And by "funny," we mean freaking suspicious.

But returning to Ted Cruz, his paperwork is all in order and his citizenship is beyond question. Which won't keep the Lefties from being appalled at his lack of racial purity, what with him being some sort of mutant, Conservative, high-IQ Hispano-Canuck.

We fully expect Hillary Clinton, who is widely believed to have popularized the rumors about Obama being a foreign-born muslim in 2008, to launch an ugly whispering campaign against Cruz, suggesting that he arrived in America one step ahead of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (no easy thing in snowshoes) after being caught with a suspicious baggie of dried maple leaves.

Or maybe she'll say Cruz is actually the bastard grandson of Ricky Ricardo (Hope n' Change likes to include au courant celebrity references to keep our younger readers engaged).

In any event, it's too early in the election cycle for us to get very excited over any individual candidate, but we're glad that Cruz is injecting some Conservative ideas into the national dialogue. Not to mention making Democrats way more interested in the importance of actual, legal citizenship than they've been in years.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Trick or Treaty

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There are only a few days left in the nuclear negotiations between Barack Hussein Obama and Iran, but Secretary of State and gangly professional shuttlecock John Kerry is hinting that an agreement is now within reach as the parties warm to each other.

For instance, as a show of good faith, the United States has already stopped pretending to be Israel's ally - and in return, Iran's supreme leader Ali Khamenei is calling for "Death to America"...but doing so with a new, pixyish twinkle in his eye.

Kerry believes that, as part of a comprehensive bargain, he can convince Khamenei to only call for America to have a wracking, bloody cough and painful hemorrhoids in the future.

Granted, to get a concession of that magnitude the U.S. has to give up some things. Like, oh, preventing Iran from developing nukes or keeping them from wiping Israel off the map. But as Kerry points out, "what's the big deal? A map is just a piece of paper!"

As will be doubly true of any agreement made with the murderous lunatics running Iran.

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We didn't come up with this joke, but it was way too good not to share.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Crappuccino

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As Attorney General Eric Holder once famously observed, "America is a nation of cowards when it comes to talking about race while buying wildly overpriced hipster coffee."

To rectify this problem, Starbucks recently instituted a campaign called "Race Together," which encourages their employees to strike up meaningful conversations about race relations with poor bleary-eyed bastards who just came in for their morning caffeine fix.

And who better to give straight talk on one of the most sensitive issues in our country than a company which can't even use clear language like "small" "medium" and "large" when obfuscating the sizes of their own products?

Still, Hope n' Change is always in favor of open and honest dialogue, which is why we can imagine ourselves dropping in to a Starbucks to order a double-grande half-caff soy milk cocoa-dusted cinnamon-sprinkled whipped foam frappuccino and then asking our barista "what the hell happened with the OJ verdict, am I right?!"

Then again, the young servers at Starbucks may not be conversant on a subject so dated, and would perhaps rather discuss contemporaneous stories. "Do you believe that Kanye West accurately reflects the black man's perspective and societal aspirations," we might ask, "when he tweets pictures of Kim Kardashian's gigantic ass?"

Other topics abound: "Do you think the phrase 'baby daddy' fills a useful niche in the vernacular?" "How serious a faux pas was it for two policemen to be murdered in New York over the fictitious Michael Brown kerfuffle?"

And of course, "If Martin Luther King had been unable to sleep because he was jacked up on preposterously expensive caffeine-fortified coffee, could he even have had a dream?"

But in truth, we'll never have such a conversation because we're not planning on setting foot in a Starbucks until they rename themselves STFUbucks.

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Better safe than sorry.