Monday, February 8, 2016

Gyne Illogical

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Following Hillary Clinton's discovery in Iowa that she is less popular among young females than a yeast infection, the former first lady is pulling out all the stops in New Hampshire to try to upset what is expected to be a runaway win in the bimbo demographic for doddering socialist Bernie "Sugar Grandaddy" Sanders.

To that end, Hillary asked herself what vivacious, high-powered celebrity superstar could help her reel in those youthful female votes, and she came up with...Madeleine Albright. The 78-year old Secretary of State under Bill Clinton (although we don't know how often), who helped negotiate an Iran-style deal with the North Koreans which gave them billions of dollars in aid to keep them from ever building the kind of nuclear weapons they tested last month, or ever developing an intercontinental ballistic missile of the type they launched Saturday.

The same Saturday, coincidentally, that Albright growled to an uncomfortable-looking crowd that young women are obligated to vote not with their minds but with their naughty bits - "because there's a special place in Hell for women who don't help each other!"

Which we suppose is a catchy phrase when it comes to threatening simple-minded millenial females, but one which skews too negative. Instead, Hope n' Change thinks the Hillary camp should sell the same message with a more positive tone, perhaps calling for "Affirmative Tampaxion," "Power to the Peehole," or simply referring to Mrs. Clinton as "The Vagina Demagogue."

BONUS: CANDIDATES WHO GOP STANDING UP

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Saturday also saw the final GOP debate before the New Hampshire primary, and overall it was a pretty good show. Nobody flat out embarrassed themselves, although up-and-comer Marco Rubio got nailed by Chris Christie for too frequently falling back on robotically memorized talking points, which he tried to rebut using robotically memorized talking points.

Soft spoken Ben Carson again won the sash and tiara for Congeniality, and the governors onstage (Bush, Christie, and Kasich) all made fairly compelling arguments that nobody who hasn't been a governor actually knows how to do any damn thing.

Ted Cruz apologized yet again for the mixup in which his campaign team inadvertently told Iowa caucus-goers that Ben Carson (beloved founder of the music group Earth, Wind and Fire) had suddenly died, and Donald Trump announced that in dealing with terrorists he plans to do things "a lot worse than waterboarding" which, frankly, we think deserved either a followup question or, if his political aspirations go south, a new reality show.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Old Yellers

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As if the fever-pitch excitement surrounding the primary season hadn't been ramped up enough, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders faced off last night in another Democratic debate which we definitely would have watched had we been tied to a chair, Clockwork Orange-style, with our eyes held open by surgical clips.

This was the first one-on-one debate between the two aging socialists, after Martin O'Malley shocked the nation this week by announcing that he'd also been a candidate this whole time without anyone noticing.

Hillary entered the debate with positive momentum, thanks to her infinitesimally small and statistically unlikely "win" in Iowa, as well as a suspiciously convenient "surprise" announcement by the State Department yesterday claiming that former Secretaries of State Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell both had instances of classified information transmitted via personal email accounts.

Powell brushed off the allegation, adding "Should (Hillary) have had a private server? Did she use it for classified information? I don't know and I don't want to know." Which, frankly, we think would be a catchy campaign slogan that all of Hillary's followers can embrace.

BONUS: OLD FACEFULL

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Following his visit to a mosque in Baltimore on Wednesday, Barack Obama spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast on Thursday to prove that, in the best tradition of what makes America great, he can be totally obnoxious no matter which faith he's pandering to.

Last year, the president used the occasion to attack Christianity for violent acts committed during the Crusades. A sad, blood-soaked period which predated sensible gun control.

This year, Mr. Obama chose to describe our nation as one filled with "fear and anger" owing to the harsh voices on the Right, our overreaction to acts of terror, the vertigo-inducing nightmare of income inequality and, just as predicted in the final words of the Book of Revelation, "eroding shorelines."

Be it mosque, church, synagogue, or prayer breakfast, we find it impossible to take Barack Obama's faith or piety seriously. He displayed no interest in Christianity prior to seeking public visibility and political connections through Reverend Jeremiah Wright's church in Chicago - and later claimed not to have heard or remembered a single (anti-American) sermon.

But lest we seem too cynical, Hope n' Change would like to point out that next year's breakfast will be hosted by a different president. And to us, that's proof that prayers are eventually answered.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Groundhog Daze

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We can't believe it either.
Yesterday was Groundhog Day, a celebration of the remarkable fact that even dumpy, grumpy, squint-eyed rodents have a better chance of predicting the climate's future than government-funded global warming researchers and experts. Which is odd, considering how many of those descriptive criteria also describe Al Gore.

Punxsutawney Phil took a look at the world and then predicted an early Spring for the filthy rich, but bitter cold and continuing Winter for the 99% - with women and minorities expected to suffer the greatest number of chilblains. No, wait - that was Bernie Sanders' prediction. We apologize for the understandable mixup.

Unfortunately for Phil, he was dragged from his slumber just in time to see the results of the Iowa caucuses. Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders essentially tied, although Hillary finally managed to eke out a technical win by dint of six coin tosses to assign delegates. Bernie supporters, who lost all six tosses by (ahem) remarkable coincidence, complained that the process was unfair owing to the fact that none of them actually had any coins of their own to flip.

Hilariously, Bernie supporters are now calling for election monitors at future primaries to prevent voter fraud from Hillary supporters and the DNC. Which is funny, since we thought there was neither jot nor tittle of evidence that there is ever any voter fraud from Democrats. We stand corrected.

Meanwhile, alleged Democratic candidate Martin O'Malley received no delegates, got less than 1% of the votes, and dropped out of the race after damning the men and women of Iowa to endless, blistering hell and swearing that he would never eat corn again. Okay, he probably didn't do that, but it would have been the most interesting 10 seconds of his campaign.

On the GOP side, Donald "No one remembers who came in second" Trump came in second, Ted Cruz finished on top, Marco Rubio racked up a surprisingly strong third place finish, and Dr. Ben Carson came in fourth because, as even Punxsutawney Phil could tell you, politics isn't brain surgery.